The Captain's Table

Don't feel sad USA we have them too!

As promised when we started the Great Canadian series we will, on occasion, put forth a Canadian who is great for being a complete and utter idiot - and today's Canadian is all that and more!!

It seems like only about 4 years ago (because it was) that Calgary West MP Rob Anders tried to put his best foot forward and, in so doing, planted it firmly in his mouth - so today, a recap of the magnificent boobery of one (in)famous canuck.

Lest we forget...

In 2001, the Federal Government decided to give Nelson Mandela honorary Canadian citizenship, making him only the second foreigner to receive such an honour.

This award - largely predicated on Mandela's work CHANGING THE WORLD AND PROMOTING PEACE - didn't, however, sit well with one fiery, idiotic, toady of the religious right from Calgary - and so enter our hero - Conservative MP Rob Anders.

Calling Mandela, "a communist and a terrorist," and decrying him as "the politically correct Left-lib
poster boy of today", the not-so-prescient Anders declared that Mandela would be forgotten in 5 years.
Fortunately time has and will prove Anders wrong - guaranteeing that Mandela's legacy will be remembered and that, in fact, it will be Anders who fades, all the while babbling nonsense, into the mists of time; fated to be remembered only in backhanded salutes like this one.

To be fair - Anders may not have been completely briefed and focused on the Mandela issue as he was, at the time, very busy with his personal political agenda of banning abortion and promoting western seperatism... and we all know how tiring THAT can be.

In an equally twitty addendum to the tale Mandela, noted for his willingness to reconcile with those who
disagree with him, attempted to phone Anders to smooth things out, but Anders refused to take the call.

So take a satisfied breath all you Yankees - because now you can feel safe in the knowledge that blinkered, Philistine, pig-ignorance is a world-wide phenomenon; you are not alone.

Evry Monday - Another Great Canadian

A new feature here at The Captain's Table in which we will feature an educational (sort of) profile of a great, not so great or really nasty Canadian each and every Monday until we run out.

So let's start with a favorite to canadians everywhere - Kim Mitchell

If words like Sarnia, Max Webster and Gowan seem like Greek to you - then you've never really met a
little person called the Canadian-you-within.

Sarnia 1967!!: A young, ambitious Kim Mitchell joins "ZOOOM". Soon, after debating with his bandmates which songs they should COVER (yeesh), Mitchell leaves "ZOOOM" and pursues a career doing studio sessions, beer commercials, and the airport lounge circuit.

Early 70's: Mitchell sets off to the Greek island of Rhodes backing up a "Greek Tom Jones". Six months
later Mitchell invites childhood buddy Pye Dubois to Greece to co-write some songs; they decided to make it a band project with some Sarnia friends and set off to launch MAX WEBSTER (a name they picked from a phonebook).

1975-1978: Max Webster signs with SRO Productions and record their first two albums, 'Max Webster' and 'High Class In Borrowed Shoes'., then during the recording of their third album - 'Mutiny Up My Sleeve' - (1978) their producer quits over the album's musical direction.

Damn - this is like Spinal Tap only real AND Canadian! What could happen next? Success? Pathos? Bathos? Well read on...

1979: Max Webster (7 years after forming) finally crack the charts with the single "Let Go The Line" in
1979. Then, almost right after, THE BAND SPLITS UP (!?!) - with some members forming an unfortunately-named offshoot called "Antlers" and, Kim Mitchell - our hero, of sorts, I guess - decides to
pursue a solo career.

Early 80's: It wasn't all beer and skittles for Kim though! Kim's first work mostly involved doing session
work and producing Scottish-Canadian-pop-superstar-and-uber-oddity Larry "Your a Strange Animal (that's what you are)" Gowan's self-titled debut "Goman".

Kim - now donning his trademark half-mullety-haircut, shades and ball cap - then went on to record his own albums; "Akimbo Alogo", and "Shaking Like a Human Being"; they were both very successful, and included hit songs "Patio Lanterns", and "Go for a Soda" - which became the unofficial anthem for Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). "Shaking" went triple platinum, and earned Kim two Juno awards. His latest album "Kimosabe", was released in 1999, and featured vocals from Lisa Dalbello.

Kim Mitchell - a true canadian success story!

Stop whistling at my balls!

In the summer of 1984 a Canadian man lay injured in the midst of an arena riot in Sao Paolo, Brazil.

What does a man think at such a time... where does his mind go? Well for Ron Foxcroft it went here...

"IF I LIVE THROUGH THIS RIOT I AM GOING BACK TO CANADA AND I AM GOING TO DESIGN A PEA-LESS WHISTLE!"

As a professional basketball referee Ron Foxcroft had often been frustrated by whistles. The cork "pea", which made the noise, would jam and no sound would come out.

While working a pre-Olympic basketball game in Sao Paulo, Brazil in 1984, Foxcroft blew his whistle when a Brazilian player was fouled at centre court.

The whistle jammed, play continued, and a riot erupted. And thus was born one man's dream - to create a "pea-less" whistle.

Despite the fact that no bank would support him, Foxcroft made good on his promise by 1987 (proving that he wasn't just whistling Dixie... sorry...).

The Fox 40 whistle features harmonically tuned air chambers and can be heard over a mile away. It is now used by the NHL, NBA, NFL, CFL, NCAA, FIFA, and FINA, as well as the US Coast Guard, Royal Life Saving Society of Canada, American Red Cross, NATO forces, and many more organizations.

In short, that's one hell of a pea-less whistle.

I salute canadians

It's very likely that, unless you are a Canadian of a certain age, you have no idea who this guy is. Well, his name is Stompin' Tom Connors and with song titles like "The Hockey Song", 'Emily the Maple Leaf" and "Bud the Spud" he's a canadian icon of epic proportions. So, watch this space for occasional salutes to famous, infamous and even notorious Canadians. Like this one right here...

WHO IS OLIVIA POOLE? Well, I'll tell you...

Olivia Poole grew up on the White Earth Reservation in Minnesota and, with her family, moved to British Columbia in the 1950's

As a mother of seven, what came next seems to have been written in the stars - or at least next to those hooks in the ceiling...

Because Olivia's invention was none other than that barf-inducing thrill ride those of us born in the 50s and 60s call The Jolly Jumper. Combining traditional native design and modern technology Olivia artfully answered the question that had been stumping parents for generations:

"Where can I hang my kids when I get bored with them?!"

The Jolly Jumper - consists of a harness which is suspended from the ceiling. The baby is seated in the harness with his/her feet touching the floor. In this position, he/she can bounce up and down, strengthening muscles and keeping him/herself amused at the same time.

By 1959, Olivia and her husband had a factory in North Vancouver which produced several thousand Jolly Jumpers a month. The Pooles later sold the business but their product remains popular. It is estimated that one of every five Canadian babies uses a Jolly Jumper.

Oddly one in every five Canadian adults has or has had a substance abuse problem at some time in their lives - coincidence?!?!

LOOK AT THOSE HAPPY CANADIAN BABIES! JUMP BABIES JUMP!