A Letter from Martha

As many of you know I have been reluctant to share many of the letters and postcards that Martha Stewart and I exchanged during her time away. But this most recent letter strikes me as so full of hope and pluck that I am sure Martha would understand why I want to share it with all of you.

All I can say by way of preamble is - God, what a woman!

"Dear Nick,

Well, since you ask, it feels GREAT to be out of “stir” (giggle) and back to my old life - or something close to it, anyhow. I can’t tell you how very much I appreciated the many (many!) letters and gifts you sent me during my time “away” and I want you to know that I have treasured and kept them all with the intention of making a beautiful collage to send you . I hope to get to that really soon, but first I have to sort out a couple those venal bitches at Omnimedia who tried to stage a little coup d’etat while Yours Truly was away at “Camp Cupcake”.

My first meeting after getting out went fairly well and you can bet that everyone was pretty damned AWARE that MARTHA WAS BACK by the time I finished giving them all a solid dose of what I like to call my “Talking Cure”. If tenuous job security, fear of physical harm and thinly-veiled blackmail are as effective as I think they are, well, you can rest assured I’ll have those share prices back up over $10.00 damned soon. I’ve always believed that nothing really motivates like fear – and I can tell you things over at MS Living ARE REAL MOTIVATED right about now.

I know you’d been curious about my day-to-day life while I was “up river” at Camp Cupcake – but I’m afraid there really isn’t a whole lot to tell – it’s all mind-numbing routine: Get up, lift weights, shower and shave, breakfast, watch TV, lift weights, lunch, teach remedial class in the afternoon (my favorite was a crocheting class I put together with a wall-eyed crack-whore named Francesca – we made shawls), dinner, watch more TV and then to bed.

So as you see life at the VERY WRONGLY NAMED Camp Cupcake isn’t much to write home (or you, dear dear Nick) about.

Of course there were the occasional diversions… a chance to work in the kitchen (HEAVEN!), a pick up basketball game, writing ENDLESS appeals to the Governor and, inevitably I suppose, the occasional fight.

As you know I’ve always been a ‘pen is mightier than the sword’ kinda gal – but I quickly learned that sometimes the Pen, in fact, has to BE the Sword (easily done with just a little bit of whittling, some tape for reinforcement of ‘the shank’ and a little work with a glue gun to reinforce the grip!). I’m not proud of what I had to do to survive – but dammit I AM A s-u-r-v-i-v-o-r and I’ll be goddamed if I’m going to let some little SPIC BITCH scarf down my Jello without some payback – Martha-style!

But all this makes it sound like there weren’t some truly lovely people to be met as well. So shame on me for dwelling on the negative!!!!

My cellmate, Erica, was a bull dyke of epic proportions but lovely as the day is long and, in the end, very servile and helpful in a way that pleased me greatly. Once she gets out I may offer her a job at O-media – she has a tenacious quality that I truly admire and, frankly, I have to say that I kind of miss having her around… her little routines, her crazy hiccupping laugh… her bawdy jokes in the dark after lights out…

But I digress! How are you?!?!?!

Oh WHO AM I KIDDING - I couldn't care less! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

But really...

I hope all is well and that - just because I may no longer be a shamed and “beaten down” Martha – you’re not going to keep on keeping in touch! It may take me a little while to get back on my feet, of course, but once I am I’d love to have you up to the house in CT for a lovely Spring Vegetable meal. Maybe by then Erica will be out and we can really make a night of it!

Well, I hate to dash but I have to go see my Parole Officer now, and then I’m heading into the office to crack a few skulls and menace some of the peons into line - it’s just like old times!

Do keep in touch and I will always remain,

Your O.G. Bee-yatch,

Martha"

Comments

[Mitchsissmo]

I always wondered, Martha, what your laugh would sound like in an email-- i mean, what it would SOUND like. And it does, it sounds just like your perfectness.

You make Camp Cupckae sound like a mean little girl's heaven! ;>

Let me know when "Erica" gets out....

[Cricco]

Martha, can you give me instructions on how to whittle an attractive shiv out of an old toothbrush?

Your pal,
Cricco